If I lose you now...

I run inside and hide my feelings because that is better than having to confront them,

Yet my mind fails to rest easy as you lie there in a state od sedation,

I reach out, trying to blame someone, ANYONE who I can punish for your conditon,

ANYONE TO BLAME!

My heart is aching,

If I lose you now...would you know how much I truly love you, how much I really appreciate your purpose in my life,

Do you realize the void that would be left within my being,

And my heart aches more with each passing minute, breaking off one tiny piece at a time...fading into oblivion,

I wish I had the strength to cry but I am afraid to let go, afraid to resolve into tears that may never cease for there is no expression to measure a limit on what I feel for you,

My faith is the only source to subdue me and it is beginning to crack from the pressure set upon my mind as I try not to worry, for fear of wrecking my nerves,

Yet the worries persist beyond my reach, defying my grasp on serenity, stirring my emotions into a storm that bears no definition, a foggy blanket of insecurity that blinds my perception of your fate,

Leaving me breathless to pant frantically, as the clock ticks through my resounding hear in a frenzy of unbridled passion, so I breathe deep smoldering breaths as if each were my last, attempting to appease my soul,

If I lose you now apart of who I am would lie in the confines of your eternal slumber, as my love for you could never fathom a replacement,

And I pay homage to you, HERO of valor in my heart!



This poem was written for my great-uncle, Mr. Johnny Pinkston Jr. whom I love dearly but kind of took for granted. Only now do I realize his significance in my life as he lies in the hospital on a ventilator in a state of nothingness as my family deals with him struggling to survive. I try to stay busy and not think about it but the thoughts come anyway and my nerves are completely on edge. Death is apart of the natural cycle of life but it is never something I am prepared to deal with. I pray and pray and pray to Him and I can only hope that whatever He decides I can sustain the faith to understand, but it is sooo hard. I am drawn inside trying not to think the worst. I am putting on my game face and still smiling despite but I am on the verge of breaking down no matter how hard I try to fight it. My heart aches terribly as I face the threat of reality.

I just came back home from a night out and I am a little down.  For all that I do in life and for all that I feel I am worth, I have yet to find that special someone who will love me unconditonally.  I actually did find that beautiful lady that I was ready to abandon anyone for her and devote myself totally to her but our stars crossed at a time when we weren't afforded a proper alignment and then I lost her, or more like she threw  me out of her life and exploited my kindness and made me look like a fool.  Do I deserve this?  Did I ever do anything that horrible to be treated so cruelly, like a pawn in a game of chess that I obviously lost!!!!  When you're in love, nothing else really matters and you don't care who knows and you're not interested in how you look and the whole world is viewing you under a close scope and then.......out of nowhere you fall flat on your face with everyone looking down on you, court jester to their reality.  I have been scorned and this pain is like no other.  Alas, I am human after all.

I was watching tv today and I heard a song that talked about the significance of people living like they are dying.  I totally agree that we should embrace a concept like that because only then will we really appreciate the beauty of life as it is.  It seems as if we only fully accept all of life's treasures when we stand to lose them so carpe diem.  Wholly.